Disneyland August 25-27

It had been almost 2 years since I was last at the Disneyland Resort, which is 2 years too many for me. :) We flew down Sunday night and had dinner at the Earl of Sandwich in Downtown Disney. I got the chicken bacon avocado wrap, which I thought was really good, and my mom was very excited about her BLT. I guess she ate a meal there every day after that. My husband and I were more excited about the food in the parks, but it was still really good. 

We went to DCA on Monday because my husband had never seen Cars Land. We got engaged in Disneyland about 2 days before the grand opening of DCA 2.0. The line for RSR was maybe 20 minutes, 30 minutes tops, so not too bad for a ride that still has long wait times. 

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Afterward we rode Tower of Terror and a bunch of other rides in DCA before going over to Disneyland. The longest wait in the entire trip was for RSR on Monday morning. After that we never waited more than 15 minutes for a ride. The line for Splash Mountain said 25 minutes, but the line plus the ride took a total of 24 minutes, and the ride itself is at least 10. 

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We ate lunch at the Blue Bayou Restaurant, the one inside the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. It was so pretty and the food was delicious. In my opinion, it was totally worth the price. Because you’re not just paying for food. You’re paying for delicious food in a whole other world. It’s an experience. It’s a show. It’s delicious and worth it. 

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A picture at the spot at the hub in front of the castle where we got engaged. 

 

 

 

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We ended the night with the Magical fireworks show and then walked to our shuttle to take us back to our hotel. I don’t really like not staying on property, but it was a nice hotel so it wasn’t too bad. Plus after a week of taking shuttles to and from in Walt Disney World, I was kind of used to it. 

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Our last full day was spent riding twice the amount of rides we would normally go on during the busy season (seriously, end of August/start of September is one of the best times to go crowd wise), watching performances at the Mad T Party, and seeing the World of Color. I was really rather impressed with the Mad T Party. I had really enjoyed ElecTronica when it was running and kind of miss it, but Mad T Party is really fun, too. There was this old guy there with a bottle of Coke (I seriously doubt it was actually Coke) just rocking out. He was bouncing and kind of dancing and singing along. I’m pretty sure he goes every night to see this show. But the band was amazing, and I loved the dance team. And World of Color is always amazing. I did cry pretty intensely during the Genie part, though. 

Our last day on Wednesday was only a half day and we had to be out by 2. Surprisingly in that time we got on 9 rides, which is one more than the average for an entire day (8 am – 12 am) during the busy season. I guess a lot of local schools started that Tuesday and Wednesday so not a lot of people were taking trips to Disneyland. Not pass holders anyway. There were plenty of European and Japanese tourists having fun. We rode Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, which broke down halfway through and we had to walk through the rest of the ride with all the lights on to get out. It was actually really cool. I’ve always wanted to do that. 

It was a really fun trip, and I am sad that it is over already. 2 and 1/2 days in the parks just isn’t enough. But, seeing as we’re planning on moving down to SoCal in 2016 we’ll probably get a lot more time there after that. 

we are perfect

I grew up being told that my family had perfect health. We had 20/20 vision, a 60 BPM heart rate, 120/80 blood pressure, no history of cancer, heart disease, or diabetes, etc. None of that is true of course, but my mom spoon fed me that idea every single day. She told me my dad’s side wasn’t so lucky but I didn’t need to worry even though I was related so closely. This caused me a lot of pain growing up. I had to “recover” from my ED as fast as possible because having it meant I was broken and imperfect. I didn’t actually start to recover until last fall. Yes I had regained the weight I had lost but the mental aspect still hadn’t been addressed. I think that idea caused me a lot of stress and agony after my mom’s cardiac arrest last year.

And this morning I drove home with tears in my dilated eyes after my eye exam ecause I found out I am farsighted and have an astigmatism. I need glasses basically. Am I surprised? Not really, but having not completely round eyeballs and needing glasses means I’m just even more imperfect. Add this to anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder and you get one imperfect person.

Logically I know that no one is perfect. Logically I know that I am not broken because I need glasses.I am not less of a person for having any of the things that I have. But despite the logical side of me, I am really upset about this. And I hate it. Because I do feel like les of a person with every diagnosis that gets added to my chart. Because it makes me feel like I have less worth as a person. I don’t project any of this onto anyone with similar diagnoses, only me.

People aren’t perfect. I am not perfect. And that is okay. I just need to get to a point where I can believe that.

It’s Not Everyday your Young Man Turns 22

Last Wednesday was the Actor’s birthday. I had been planning on doing this for over a year because I had originally planned it for his birthday last year, but my mom ended up in the hospital 9 days before so we were over on the West Side spending most of our time in the hospital when his birthday rolled around. We had kind of a lame celebration for his 21st because of that, so at least we got to make up for it this year. DSCN0915

It was a Harry Potter themed birthday! The “h” in “birthday” looks like an “a” because the frosting was being difficult. 

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I even had a Hogwarts letter with supply list and apology letter for it being so late. 11 years too late. I aged the paper myself, but I don’t have pictures of it at the moment. I might try to post them up later. But I’d made the letter in Photoshop before my old computer died. I need to get Photoshop for my new computer. 

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The snitches were Lindt Lindor white chocolate truffles because their wrapping is gold and it looks like they have wings. 

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Oh yeah, I cut my hair again. I look weird in this picture, but it’s super super short now and I love it! I don’t have to do anything to it when I wake up. 

All in all it was a good birthday. We went out to dinner with some friends before coming home to celebrate just us with the cake and everything. 

Break from Therapy

Yesterday morning I woke up at 6:30 AM and every 10-15 minutes after that to make sure I didn’t sleep through my final therapy session. Have I ever slept through a session before? No. But I have anxiety, and I’d had a nightmare the night before that I had missed it and didn’t realize I’d missed it until twelve hours later that night. Waking up from that certainly was a relief. 

At about 9:45 I hugged my therapist goodbye and walked out of the clinic. 

I don’t remember when I started going back to therapy. Sometime in January or February, but I’ve been with the same therapist ever since then, every week for about 45 minutes each session, and now that we are in the final week of summer quarter for my uni the health clinic will be closing and my therapist has completed her internship and will no longer be working at the clinic. I don’t know where she is going, or if there are even rules that I can’t be her patient anymore once she’s working somewhere else, but I know I’ve only got about 16 months left in this town before I leave, so it was goodbye. I was really sad to say goodbye and to walk out of that office because I have grown so much in the past, let’s say 7, months that I have been seeing her, and I really was able to feel comfortable with her and build up a connection. I wasn’t sure if I would continue with therapy in the fall, but I think I will. It will be with someone else and we’ll have to get through some backstory again, but I am better off now than I was 7 months ago when I went in after my anxiety attack at work. 

The clinic is going to be closed from August 22 to September 25th, so I probably won’t see anyone until the beginning of October. That’s a long time to go without, but I went without for years after my last therapy discharged me from her care in, I wanna say 2011. 

I am a little nervous to be without therapy for a while, and I am nervous to start with someone new in the fall, but it’s all worth it and that’s all that matters. 

Hello!

On Sunday we finally got to celebrate our anniversary.  That is a video for it. Well, of the weekend in general. We saw The Book of Mormon at the Paramount in Seattle and absolutely loved it!

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Afterward we had delicious food from the Cheesecake Factory. Normally I don’t like cheesecake, but this was an Oreo cheesecake, and I’m a sucker for Oreos. 

It was so much fun. And they’re bringing back Beauty and the Beast and Wicked next season, so I think we have shell out a bit more cash to get closer seats and go see them again. But this show was so much fun, and I hope they bring it back soon so I can see it again. It’s written by the same people who do South Park, which I don’t really like because so much of it is just, “wtf am I watching?” but this had less of that, and I really enjoyed it. 

Of course, I had to take some pictures of the theater because it is just so pretty in there. I would love to just go in there and take photos of all the tiny details, but I don’t have a good enough camera for that, so oh well. 

If you haven’t seen it yet, I definitely recommend it. 

August – 25 Things

1. I’m happiest when…I’m working on something that is important to me. It’s summer and classes are over so I’m kind of miserable (also because of all the fires and smoke near me, but that’s another story. And my college town sucks), so I need to work on a project to give myself meaning. Otherwise I sit around and focus on how much I hate where I live. 

2. Especially if it…is a craft or a story. I need to finish my screenplay, but I am currently migrating to a new computer so I have a lot to download and set up and get used to. PC to Mac. 

3. I’ve always wanted to…learn German

4. My family and I…are weird but we love each other. 

5. I was a terrible…math student. I talked to myself when I would solve problems and goof around with my friends most of the class period. Somehow I still got A’s though.

6. My first job was…the one I have now, unless you count babysitting.

7. I could probably eat ____ everyday…peanut butter. And until recently I did. 

8. I stole…those little jelly packets from restaurants when I was a little kid. They fascinated me for some reason. 

9. I was born on the same day as…Will Smith, Mark Hamill, Michael Douglas, Shel Silverstein, and Catherine Zeta Jones. 

10. My all-time favorite film is…Some Like it Hot, with The Social Network as a close second. 

11. I do a pretty mean…cookie

12. I’m still mad…at that one girl who confessed that her bullying lead to that other girl committing suicide and she got away with it. It was a few years ago, but this girl had cyber bullied and also in school I guess, this other girl who committed suicide, and they didn’t punish the bully at all. I’m also still mad at people who have issues with birth control and marriage equality.

13. I met my best friend…in high school

14. I always knew I wanted…love

15. I’m not afraid to…stand up for others.

16. I make the best…cookie. That’s really all I’m good at.

17. I have almost no…self esteem. 

18. I always cry when…I remember #17.

19. I’m now…poor…but I hope to…not be poor someday

20. I spent four years…in recovery from anorexia nervosa so far

21. I wish my folks…would each see a therapist

22. At age 5, I was deeply in love with…a golden retriever named KG

23. I believe if everyone…was nice to each other…the world would be a better place. Enough said!

24. I can’t stand…people who make stupid arguments against marriage equality or birth control. So pretty much every argument against marriage equality or birth control. 

25. Whenever…Friends…is on, I’ll watch.

Experiment Refeed

So experiment refeed has gone, well, not too well. I have been consuming as much as I should be, and even getting really close to hitting all my macros, even without eating meat. I go back and forth on how much meat I do and do not eat. I kind of just eat everything now. So, while I’ve successfully eaten all I need to, my body is not happy about this development. I’m not dying, I just a little nauseous and my stomach gets a little upset every now and then. I basically doubled my caloric intake overnight and increased my protein intake by 50 or so grams, so my body has had a bit of a shock. It irritates me. I want to be able to just adjust instantly. But I guess the last time I started a refeed I didn’t double my intake overnight. It took a while before I was eating enough. I ran away from food a lot. 

I mean that literally. There was a lot of running away during high school lunch times. 

But otherwise, I feel pretty good. My workouts are awesome. They had to cut the gym size in half because they’re expanding the weight room, so the entire first floor is shut down except for the locker rooms. And since it’s summer there are less people, especially now that most classes are over, so that means I get to use squat racks! I feel pretty awesome using them, and it’s weird but I feel more challenged. I do barbell complexes now for cardio, which are killer and fun. 

I got sent home an hour early today because work has been so slow, but I was happy about it because they’re ripping up the floor where I work so there is a bunch of floor dust in the air and it made it difficult for me to breathe. 

Other than my body not being too happy about increased calorie intake, I’m doing ok. I think my body should adjust soon. I’m kind of backing off but I’ll work back up to it soon, I’m sure. I am enjoying my summer. Yesterday I played the Wii and generally lazed around. I did turn in my major application so I can officially switch, and I did work out, but other than that I liked relaxing. Today I have worked, worked out, taken care of some grown up things, cleaned, and now I’m being lazy on the computer. I think a month off is all I need. Longer than that and I get restless. 

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Summer… Summer…

It is August 3rd, and it is finally my summer! As of 8 pm last night I had turned in my final assignment for my last class and now it is summertime!!

summertimeOK, maybe it’s been summertime for a while now, but I finally finished summer quarter so now I actually get a vacation and I cannot wait! I’m going to start it today by seeing Guardians of the Galaxy and probably lying on the floor trying to keep cool because it is H-O-T hot! 

I worked all day yesterday and then watched two episodes of Orange is the New Black and Beauty and the Beast. I ended the night by doing a bit of yoga with a lot of shoulder stands. I need to practice yoga more often because my back was not happy when I lowered back to the floor. I need more practice, but I felt great. I had a terrible time sleeping Friday night, but I did a lot of yoga before sleeping last night and other than the Actor waking me up once, I slept pretty well. 

Let’s get a little serious now. 

A couple weeks ago I stopped logging my food in the myfitnesspal app on my phone and just ate naturally. Bad idea. Maybe not counting calories works for other people, but it has disastrous consequences for me. When I am not tracking my calories I eat 800-1000 calories a day. That’s about half of what I need to be eating. But I didn’t think anything of it until this morning when I stumbled upon an article on why eating that low is bad. It just gave me a bit of a wake up. For weeks now I have felt absolutely miserable. I have had the worst body image and been depressed and I couldn’t understand why. So I’m going to have to go back to logging what I’m eating. I think it’s a good thing for me. Ana has sounded too enticing lately to not.

That said, next weekend we are seeing the Book of Mormon and unfortunately Lady Gaga will have to wait. Tickets are a problem. But I am looking forward to her new album with Tony Bennett “Cheek to Cheek” and I’m sure I’ll get a chance to see her some day in the future. Then I’ll have another two weeks of work before work is out for the summer and we go to Disneyland! :) I am so happy I finally have some vacation time. And I finally get to officially change my major! 

I also just consumed about 600 calories for breakfast/lunch and I feel amazing. :)

 

Coping with Change: Family Edition

So we went to visit our parents over the weekend back on the West Side which was nice. This is going to sound strange but I really, really love humidity. It makes it almost impossible for my hair to hold a curl but that’s okay now that it’s really short (and soon to be shorter), but it also hydrates my skin better than any lotion will do. And I drink a ridiculous amount of water so I know it’s the air quality that causes my skin to be so dry. It makes the heat and the wind feel more gentle. Everything over here just feels so harsh. So I miss it. Only a year and 5 months! 

But going back made me realize just how much has changed in the last year since I got married. My little brother is going to my high school in the fall. He’ll get his classes at the end of August. My brother-in-law is going to college. The Actor’s bedroom (which we stayed in while we were there) has been completely transformed, and it only took maybe a month after we married for it to happen but I’d never spent much time in there since then so it didn’t hit me. It’s an office/gym now. My room is a shell of what it once was since most of my things are here with me now. It’s also half a storage area for empty boxes my mom has been collecting for whenever she actually moves. My mom is very different now than she was a year ago. She’s lost 60 pounds. She has become more vulnerable and emotional. I mean, dying for 40 minutes will probably do that to you, but it’s still a shock to me because growing up she was so strong. Even when my parents divorced she was strong. Maxlemore (my brother), is now taller than me. He is growing up now so fast, especially going to high school. I used to see him grow day by day but now I see him every ten weeks or so. 

And change is hard for me. I’m trying to deal with it, but it really upset me. It upset me mainly because I feel so alone. I had a talk with the Actor on Sunday, but until then I felt like I was completely alone. My brother and my mom as I knew them are gone and that bothered me. I felt like I couldn’t turn to the Actor for anything either. But that’s mended. My family not so much. Maxlemore and I are growing closer than we did before. We’ve always been close, but now we don’t hate each other so much anymore. But my mom… I couldn’t talk to her about my problems before, and even less so now that she’s consumed more openly about her own. And I can never tell her about my sexual orientation. I guess we’ve all changed. And I guess the only thing to do is take it and move on. 

Writing to stay sane, recovering to stay alive.

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