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Alive and Legal

In case anyone was wondering, I am alive. Classes started last Wednesday and by the end of the day I was utterly exhausted. I have 5 straight hours of class, followed by a 1 hour sweat-inducing workout, 45 minute break, then work for 3 hours. Then I go home and it’s 7 and I just want to go to bed. But that’s only on Monday and Wednesday. The other days are less crazy. This quarter I am taking History of Television, Visual Storytelling, Aesthetic Experience: Beethoven, and Making Sense of the Universe where we study quite literally everything we possibly can in 10 weeks. 18 credits. I want to get out of here ASAP!

My 21st birthday was the other day. I am now 100% legal. So far I have bought myself 3 drinks and discovered that tequila is always a bad idea and that birthday cake shots are delicious if only for the lemon covered in sugar you suck on immediately after. IMG_0707

I got these cupcakes for my actual birthday, which was still exhausting even though I only had one class. Everyone kept asking me if I was going to go out to the bars but honestly I just went home, at my cupcake for dinner, and then went to sleep.

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The Actor had auditions on my birthday and we had to wait to see if he got a callback that night, so we couldn’t have gone out anyway. But he did take me to lunch the next day where I had kind of gross pasta but this delicious white chocolate raspberry cheesecake, which is my favorite flavor of cheesecake and the only cheesecake I will ever eat.

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On Saturday we drove over to Seattle and went out with my BFF and her friend. We were around Capitol Hill, and I had so much fun. My actual birthday was uneventful, but the celebrations on Saturday made up for it. That glass lights up, btw. I didn’t end up using it because I don’t really care all that much for alcohol, but I still like it.

Now I’m just trying to get into the swing of things with the new year. It’s (hopefully) the Actor’s last year, and my last full year so I’ve been getting really bad anxiety about it. I’ve been nauseous for days now just because of the anxiety. Nothing helps unless I really get distracted for a while. Hopefully as I adjust it will go away soon. I’m just getting closer to being out in the real world and realizing more and more that I have absolutely no real world skills whatsoever and I want to be a screenwriter which is insane. I hate money. I wish I could just live without needing to get a job I don’t care about in order to do so. So I’ve got more intense depression on top of the anxiety which just makes me feel fan-freaking-tastic.

Close to rock bottom

Everything was so much easier when no one knew about Ana. Not even me. It was so much nicer and I was so much happier. Living in the illusion that I was almost perfect. Everything was so much easier when I didn’t know it was ok to be a person. When I didn’t know I had worth as a human being. When I didn’t know that I deserved to be heard. I didn’t despair before because I though I was living the life that I deserved.

Dont you ever just want to end the pain? Permanently? Wouldn’t that feel so great? Not feeling anymore.

Im a college student. I have debt waiting for me. But nothing else. No future. No career. I can ring up fast food. That’s all I’m good at. No matter where I apply I never even get an interview. And it was so much easier when I thought that was the way it was supposed to be.

Yes, I am asking for help. Because I am alone and I am scared and I don’t know what else to do. I turn 21 on Thursday. But I don’t know if I want to. Maybe this is a cry for attention but is that so wrong?

Rose Colored Glasses

I have been in recovery for almost five years but there are still times when I look back on my disordered time and wonder why I chose recovery. I’m not gonna lie and say that every day I am thankful that I recovered. I’m not gonna lie and say that it’s been fun. I’m not gonna lie and say that it’s been easy. It hasn’t been. Not one bit.

I used my disorder to hide my anxiety and my depression. With it I was able to go out into the world and act like everything was ok. I was able to put on a smile and talk with my friends. The only negative emotions they thought I had were the ones toward the divorce my parents were going through. I was able to hang out with friends without being petrified to do so. I was able to go on dates with the Actor and have fun. Believe it or not but I was able to actually eat when we went out and be all right because when I went home I knew I could skip more meals and exercise more. I used my disorder to help me cope with life and my low self esteem. It was a coping mechanism and a punishment. A punishment for not being enough, for never being enough. A punishment for having wants and desires which make me selfish. A punishment for wanting love that I don’t deserve. My disorder was my best friend and my worst enemy.

I know that it wasn’t great. I remember the daily scale dance. I remember. But to be completely honest I was not obsessed completely with it until after I was diagnosed. I know that it wasn’t fun but I didn’t let Ana hover over me 24/7 until after I was diagnosed. Before that we were close friends who put me in my place when I needed it.

Recovery challenged not only her but me as well. Because facing recovery meant looking at everything that I hate about myself and trying to work through it. I have had to face everything and try to accept it or realize that that was a lie I have been telling myself for years. Maybe I do deserve love. Maybe having wants and desires and needs doesn’t make me selfish and terrible. Maybe I have some worth as a person. And that’s why I look back and think that I was better then than I am now. But I know that’s a lie too. Obviously I still have a disordered mindset. When I was in therapy this year before my therapist left I left every session realizing another thing I had been thinking about myself all my life that was possibly not true. I didn’t have anxiety like I do now when I had my disorder. I really did trade one for the other. Because my disorder was hiding the anxiety; it was keeping it in check, whether or not that was healthy.

I am still eating. I think that at this point in my recovery I’m not in a place where I’ll start to starve myself again. It is true that there are times when I forget to eat, or get so wrapped up a project or TV show that I feel hungry but don’t want to move because I don’t want to break my attention, not because I genuinely don’t want to eat. I know I can probably never go back to my old ways, whether I want to or not, because I know too much now and I respect my body more now than I did then. So this struggle is purely internal.

Summer Entertainment

It’s kind of odd for me to think of what I did this summer because my official vacation has consisted of Disneyland, glasses, and an impromptu 6 hours working at the first home game of the season for my uni. I took classes this summer which makes it seem odd to think about about what I did on “break” since I haven’t actually been on “break” for very long. 3 weeks. I guess that’s a good amount of time. Yep, I’ve got 1 week left before I return to work and class. I got called Friday to come in to work on Saturday working concessions for the football game. We won, and I got heat rash, but it wasn’t too bad. Here is what I have been up to this summer other than working, summer classes, and Disneyland:

TV

Avatar-The-Legend-Of-Korra-PosterI started watching The Legend of Korra after finishing Avatar: The Last Airbender in the middle of Spring Quarter. Season 3 of Korra came out this summer, so I watched it and then started rewatching ATLA again. I’ll finish ATLA just in time for Season 4 of Korra which is coming out in October. I remember being really impressed with ATLA when it first started way back when, and Korra is just as good. It is missing a little bit of the character development we got in ATLA, but I am still really enjoying it. I’m super excited for Season 4!

mad-men-1024x768Season 7 Part 1 ended earlier this year, and the Actor and I just recently started re-watching through it from the beginning. I am going to be sad when it is over, but I really enjoy this show. We watched through it last summer. It’s a good show to binge watch, but we average about 3 episodes a night.

punished_crystal_medi_cuerpo_vecto_fondo_by_jackowcastillo-d7mpba2Hulu started releasing 2 episodes of the classic Sailor Moon every Monday. I watched it growing up when they released it in the US in English, but now that they’re re-releasing it and in the original Japanese and I now know Japanese well enough to watch things (it’s also subtitled, but I can ignore those most of the time) I have been watching it. I can’t stand dubs. Sailor Moon Crystal came out this summer. 1 episode every 1st and 3rd Saturday of the month. I love it. They did a great job and I love the animation. It’s just another part of my childhood I’m enjoying going over and seeing in a new light.

7facd20f5216202349ad2fc3119e2e5b1329936788_fullLast Saturday I went to the Puyallup Fair with the Actor and his family. They have some cool exhibits and then a giant showroom filled with booths of things you see in late night TV ads and some other well-known products, but the only stand that we were interested in was the large Japanese anime stand. The Actor, his brother, and I all went to look. I finally got to buy something I’ve been wanting for a while, and for cheaper than I can find online, and my brother-in-law bought this cute little creature from the anime above: Puella Magi Madoka Magica. I had him send me the link to it, and then I found it on Netflix where I don’t have to watch it with commercials. It is really, really good, and only 12 episodes. I guess it’s because it’s a different culture, but all the Japanese animes I have seen may seem silly on the outside, but end up addressing something really deep and human. Love, emotions, humanity, loyalty, etc. They lose that in the English dubs which is another reason why I can’t stand them. I was close to bawling in the last few episodes of this anime. I really recommend it.

Books

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I picked up the first in this series from the bookstore-thing they have in airports last August while sending my brother off to our grandparents in Montana while our mom was in the hospital. It was called Ink by Amanda Sun and I loved it. I then proceeded to be angry with myself for getting into a series that was not yet completed. The second book here, Rain, came out in June. The third, and hopefully final because I don’t know how much more my heart can take, installment comes out next year.
Sense_and_sensibility I decided to read Sense and Sensibility this summer and it took me a while. I’ve spent too much time reading modern things, so pushing through a very old style of writing was hard. I watched the movie of it they have on Netflix after I’d finished, which was at the end of August. Took me probably a month. I don’t know. My feminist sensibilities isn’t huge on the idea of only having the prospect of a husband to look forward to, but I still enjoyed it.

51wrr2c8DKL._SY344_BO1,204,203,200_I bought this in Disneyland as a souvenir. It’s giving me lots of motivation and hope for the future, but college is starting up soon, so that’ll probably crush all that hope.

Movies


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I saw some movies this summer. 22 Jumpstreet, Neighbors, The Giver, but these are the two I recommend. The first I only just saw. Magic in the Moonlight is Woody Allen’s latest. It was no Midnight in Paris but it was still really good and I really enjoyed. Maybe it’s because I have an infatuation with the idea of the 1920s, or Emma Stone, but it was good. For a film buff, it was fairly predictable, but I can do that with pretty much every movie so this wasn’t anything new. 
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If you haven’t seen Guardians of the Galaxy yet get yourself to a theater now! I didn’t think it would be good. When I first saw the trailer I was not impressed, but I laughed so much and had so much fun with this movie. I am seriously starting to really get into all the Marvel stuff. I haven’t seen any of Thor’s movies yet, but hopefully soon.

So that has been my summer. I’ll probably spend the last week of it cleaning, getting my text books from the library (interlibrary loan. Stop buying and renting text books when you could get them for free. Worst thing that happens is you pay a $5 late fee max), watching more ATLA and Mad Men, and attempting to go to the gym. They’re remodeling and will randomly close it without notice so sometimes I show up and it’s closed. Like this weekend. No warning. Whatever… First day of Autumn is either the 22nd or 23rd of September. It’s coming up! I hope you all enjoyed summer whether you were on break or not. Mine was good except for the fire and the heat.

New Stuff

Yesterday I drove around town going to appointments. I drove through downtown Seattle last weekend to get to my friend’s birthday brunch, so driving through my uni town where the speed limit is 25 throughout the entire town was really relaxing and kind of boring. But I got things done!

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I got my glasses! It is kind of amazing how much clearer I can see with them because I felt like I could see pretty well without them. I don’t need them all the time, but for the first week or so I have to wear them most of the time while I adjust to them. After that I really only need them when I read or for class. Mainly when I work on the computer since that is when my astigmatism bothers me the most.

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Then I got these the other day! Aren’t they adorable? They’re smaller than my hand! And I wear a size 3 in rings. Japan has more of them to choose from, but the US has a fair bit. I’ll probably buy the rest that are available in the US because they are just so darn cute! They sold out of stores within a few days. I was going to buy them in Disneyland, but the World of Disney store in Downtown Disney told me they sold out really fast. I don’t think they’ve restocked yet either. The disneystore.com had them, though, which made me happy because I’d been really looking forward to getting them when I went to Disneyland and was pretty sad to find out they weren’t there anymore.

The Actor dumped them out of the package onto my lap and made me think of this: Scrubs-JD-pours-Kittens-on-Patient

It had the same effect. I just wish it was an actual box of kittens, but Tsum Tsums work just as well.

Sadly I only have a week left of my vacation, but I’m going to spend it relaxing and cleaning and of course, working out.

50 Random Things About Me

1. I love candy corn. 

2. I don’t understand why it’s such a symbol of Halloween but hardly anyone likes it. 

3. Halloween is my second favorite holiday. 

4. Christmas is my favorite holiday. 

5. I hate January because we transition so fast out of the holiday spirit into the depressing nothing-ness of fake weight loss ads and a new year. 

6. I am terrified of death right now and freak out whenever anything little goes wrong with me physically because I don’t want to die before I’ve really done anything. 

7. I’ve thought about dropping out of college every quarter. 

8. I have 33 credits left to take before I graduate. 

9. I could graduate this year if my required classes were offered in order. 

10. I love Disney. 

11. I love food. 

12. I’m a terrible cook. 

13. I can work on my muscles all day long but I can barely do cardio. 

14. I’ve been doing Pilates for almost 5 years. 

15. I’ve been lifting for 2. 

16. I have one little brother who has just started high school. 

17. I used to know how to sing in German. 

18. I am half German, half Mexican. 

19. The Mexican side is specifically Aztec. 

20. I feel bad when people give me things, even on my birthday. 

21. I have extremely low self-worth. 

22. People continuing to buy me things thinking it will make me feel better just makes me feel worse. 

23. I’ve actually forgiven my father and realized what a drama queen I was being. 

24. I don’t regret not inviting him to my wedding. 

25. We actually talk now and are friends on Facebook. 

26. I’m getting my first pair of glasses this week. 

27. I’m bisexual. 

28. I want to visit the past but not live there except for the fact that my minimum wage less than part-time salary would make me rich if I went back far enough. 

29. I am obsessed with Japanese culture. 

30. I can understand Japanese speaking and half of the writing, but I’m not very good at speaking it. 

31. I got into meditation for a while, but prefer yoga. 

32. I am a certified fitness trainer. 

33. My next tattoo will be a Sailor Moon tattoo. 

34. Lady Gaga is my idol. 

35. I love sewing but I don’t have a sewing machine. 

36. I used to crochet all the time. 

37. I am a feminist. 

38. I love cats. 

39. My husband is a year older than me. 

40. We met at a summer camp our high school held about a month before classes started. He was a leader in my academy. 

41. We didn’t actually start dating until January. 

42. Our high school did things really weirdly. 

43. All but one of our favorite teachers still teaches there. I guess that’s not a fact about me. 

44. I drink A LOT of water. 

45. Being told I didn’t daydream in class after I had admitted to it in the third grade really messed up my self-perception and understanding.

46. I am a Hufflepuff. 

47. I’ll be 21 in two weeks. 

48. Sometimes I like to lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling for hours for no reason. 

49. My cat is 12 now. 

50. 3 days in Disneyland isn’t enough for me. :) 

Little Aja Does Not Run

A long time ago, well, not too long ago but it seems like a long time ago, I was not into fitness. I went to the top sports middle school in my district. We never lost a game. They had to order extra space for our banners that display all the years we won the district competitions. We had a lot of school spirit and pride. But I was not into fitness at all. We had PE every day all 3 years, but I was not in the conditioning class. I did try out for volleyball one year, and ended up with the weirdest little purple polka-dot bruises, but not on the team. 

Every Monday and Friday were pure cardio days. We had our “fun run” on Mondays, and Fridays was always a choice day of what kind of cardio; pick your poison, if you will. We had about 5 gym teachers and each one would offer a different choice. One Friday in either 7th or 8th grade, I can’t quite remember, I was sitting with my friends and we’d decided to pick the tiny slope “hill” run being offered by our PE teacher. But for some reason I stood up when they said “hill run” with the top conditioning PE teacher and walked out the door, looking back at my friends like, “why are you still sitting? We agreed to do this!” and they looked at me like I had just signed my own death sentence. I didn’t realize until I was out the door that we were going to be running some of the steepest hills I had ever seen for the next thirty minutes. All the other conditioning students were out there with me, but I stayed behind with two other regular PE girls. The three of us puffed along, pushing ourselves harder than we had ever had in our short lives. The PE teacher hung back nicely encouraging us on. He had always seemed so tough before, but he was so kind and encouraging. I felt so comfortable despite being physically uncomfortable. 

I walked into the locker room after the end of the 30 minutes feeling exhausted and sweaty but awesome. My friends attacked me. They said I was crazy and they couldn’t believe I had done that. I couldn’t believe it either, but I had had so much fun. I was not as fit as the other kids but I had done it and I hadn’t died. But I felt compelled to express feelings that were not my own. I never offered to join the conditioning kids on Fridays ever again. 

At the beginning of 8th grade we had to run the mile, with the intention of running it again at the end of the year to see how we had progressed. I felt so exhilarated once we were done. I don’t remember my mile time, but I was having that wonderful runners high. Again my friends made fun of me, and when we got to the end of the year the PE teachers offered the mile as a Friday choice but no one was required to do it. Myself and my two guy friends ran it. My other non-fitness friends stayed in. I did improve from my last mile, but that’s not the point. I got that runners high again and felt amazing. 

At this point in my life my only forms of exercise came from PE and dancing in my room on the weekends. Once I went to high school PE stopped being mandatory (which is stupid) and I just had my weekend dancing, which didn’t stop me considering I got deep into my disorder at that time. But today I am a certified personal trainer who practices heavy lifting, running, HIIT, Pilates, and yoga. I still dance, too. That active girl was always in me, I just doubted my abilities. Now it’s a lifelong passion. 

Never let others hold you back from your passion. Most importantly, never let yourself hold you back from your passion. 

September Aspirations

Well, I’ve only just started my summer break and it’s already back to school season. I’ve only got one more back to school season after this year. Kinda bittersweet. To me September is kinda like a second spring. It’s another chance to make some changes. Especially since my daily schedule is about to change pretty drastically. If all goes as planned (officially withdrew from my major today and should be processed into my new one soon which means getting into the class I need) I will have class two days a week from 10-2 and work either every evening or every morning depending on which job I get.

So here are my September/fall quarter goals.
– don’t procrastinate on school work. Do it as soon as it is assigned.
– finish writing my screenplay
– get back into Pilates but continue lifting 3-4 days a week.
– attend a fitness class 3-5 days a week at the gym once they are posted again. (My gym is being remodeled. Also will be applying for a group fitness instructor position in the winter so I should probably know how my particular gym works with that before applying.)
– clean the apartment so it’s spotless in time for the holidays.
– Begin Christmas shopping.

That appears to be out for now. I’m going to be very busy fitness wise. I also plan on getting back into writing now that I have a functioning computer with 3 years of repairs. Windows may look cool but the functionality and quality is far below Apple. I learned my lesson. Never buy a Windows computer. Ever.

Happy September everyone!
What are your goals/aspirations for the month?

Disneyland August 25-27

It had been almost 2 years since I was last at the Disneyland Resort, which is 2 years too many for me. :) We flew down Sunday night and had dinner at the Earl of Sandwich in Downtown Disney. I got the chicken bacon avocado wrap, which I thought was really good, and my mom was very excited about her BLT. I guess she ate a meal there every day after that. My husband and I were more excited about the food in the parks, but it was still really good. 

We went to DCA on Monday because my husband had never seen Cars Land. We got engaged in Disneyland about 2 days before the grand opening of DCA 2.0. The line for RSR was maybe 20 minutes, 30 minutes tops, so not too bad for a ride that still has long wait times. 

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Afterward we rode Tower of Terror and a bunch of other rides in DCA before going over to Disneyland. The longest wait in the entire trip was for RSR on Monday morning. After that we never waited more than 15 minutes for a ride. The line for Splash Mountain said 25 minutes, but the line plus the ride took a total of 24 minutes, and the ride itself is at least 10. 

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We ate lunch at the Blue Bayou Restaurant, the one inside the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. It was so pretty and the food was delicious. In my opinion, it was totally worth the price. Because you’re not just paying for food. You’re paying for delicious food in a whole other world. It’s an experience. It’s a show. It’s delicious and worth it. 

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A picture at the spot at the hub in front of the castle where we got engaged. 

 

 

 

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We ended the night with the Magical fireworks show and then walked to our shuttle to take us back to our hotel. I don’t really like not staying on property, but it was a nice hotel so it wasn’t too bad. Plus after a week of taking shuttles to and from in Walt Disney World, I was kind of used to it. 

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Our last full day was spent riding twice the amount of rides we would normally go on during the busy season (seriously, end of August/start of September is one of the best times to go crowd wise), watching performances at the Mad T Party, and seeing the World of Color. I was really rather impressed with the Mad T Party. I had really enjoyed ElecTronica when it was running and kind of miss it, but Mad T Party is really fun, too. There was this old guy there with a bottle of Coke (I seriously doubt it was actually Coke) just rocking out. He was bouncing and kind of dancing and singing along. I’m pretty sure he goes every night to see this show. But the band was amazing, and I loved the dance team. And World of Color is always amazing. I did cry pretty intensely during the Genie part, though. 

Our last day on Wednesday was only a half day and we had to be out by 2. Surprisingly in that time we got on 9 rides, which is one more than the average for an entire day (8 am – 12 am) during the busy season. I guess a lot of local schools started that Tuesday and Wednesday so not a lot of people were taking trips to Disneyland. Not pass holders anyway. There were plenty of European and Japanese tourists having fun. We rode Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, which broke down halfway through and we had to walk through the rest of the ride with all the lights on to get out. It was actually really cool. I’ve always wanted to do that. 

It was a really fun trip, and I am sad that it is over already. 2 and 1/2 days in the parks just isn’t enough. But, seeing as we’re planning on moving down to SoCal in 2016 we’ll probably get a lot more time there after that. 

we are perfect

I grew up being told that my family had perfect health. We had 20/20 vision, a 60 BPM heart rate, 120/80 blood pressure, no history of cancer, heart disease, or diabetes, etc. None of that is true of course, but my mom spoon fed me that idea every single day. She told me my dad’s side wasn’t so lucky but I didn’t need to worry even though I was related so closely. This caused me a lot of pain growing up. I had to “recover” from my ED as fast as possible because having it meant I was broken and imperfect. I didn’t actually start to recover until last fall. Yes I had regained the weight I had lost but the mental aspect still hadn’t been addressed. I think that idea caused me a lot of stress and agony after my mom’s cardiac arrest last year.

And this morning I drove home with tears in my dilated eyes after my eye exam ecause I found out I am farsighted and have an astigmatism. I need glasses basically. Am I surprised? Not really, but having not completely round eyeballs and needing glasses means I’m just even more imperfect. Add this to anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder and you get one imperfect person.

Logically I know that no one is perfect. Logically I know that I am not broken because I need glasses.I am not less of a person for having any of the things that I have. But despite the logical side of me, I am really upset about this. And I hate it. Because I do feel like les of a person with every diagnosis that gets added to my chart. Because it makes me feel like I have less worth as a person. I don’t project any of this onto anyone with similar diagnoses, only me.

People aren’t perfect. I am not perfect. And that is okay. I just need to get to a point where I can believe that.

Writing to stay sane, recovering to stay alive.

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