I started this blog as my writing and recovery blog, but since then I have evolved into a different person. I still write but my daily struggle with recovery is just about over. I’ll probably always have some problems, but that’s okay. So it’s time to put this blog on the shelf. Maybe one day I’ll come back to it, but it’s unlikely. I am now blogging over at my new personal/fitness blog: bodybyaja.com and I have a movie blog at chocolatedippedrama.wordpress.com. You can find me there from now on. Also follow me on tumblr: fit-live-laugh.tumblr.com and on twitter and instagram: ajamontana. Thank you all so much for reading and supporting me through my recovery. Of course my inbox at email@example.com will always be open, as will my inbox at my new email firstname.lastname@example.org will be, and on tumblr. ^.^
I’ve been thinking about this for several months now, and I think it just needs to happen. I started this blog with the intention of it being a writing blog, then a recovery blog and now I hardly do either. I barely remember to post, and I can never think of anything interesting when I do. I do still plan on writing in the sense of writing scripts since I am a screenwriting major, but other things have become more important than blogging here now. I am being more involved on campus and with friends, and I only have 1 year left here. I will be posting on my tumblr account: fit-live-laugh with pictures and other updates. Both my Instagram and Twitter are linked here on the blog, both under the username ajamontana if you want to follow me there. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever return to this blog, but it will stay up for archiving and sentimental reasons no matter what. I also have a fitness website/blog that I do occasionally blog over at: bodybyaja.com so you can check my blog out there, too.
This blog helped me through some really tough times, and I’d like to thank everyone that commented and I got to know over the last 4 years that I have had this blog. It’s just time to move on.
This is the view from my walk home last Sunday. I have to cover the last bit of the Actor’s shift at work because his director is insane and inconsiderate and makes them rehearse Sunday through Thursday instead of Monday … Continue reading
Over the past few months I have come to learn and understand more about myself. I look back on who I was before and realize that I was living in a fog that was created by my depression, anxiety, eating disorder, and incredibly low self worth. So it has lately come to my attention some things I would have done differently, specifically about my wedding, had I realized all I have learned back then.
First, I would have put more into my own appearance. I knew nothing about makeup and I did it myself but know much more know. I would have gone somewhere to get it done and be pampered because when else do we get to be so vain and put an extreme amount into our physical appearance? I would have also not looked for the cheapest wedding dress that I liked. I would have picked the fancier once that cost a little more. I do like mine but I know that I picked it more because it was cheap than actually loving it. My mom said she would pay for my wedding attire so I went as cheap as I could to save her the money. But it was my wedding. You (hopefully) only get one and there is so much that I had wanted to do that I didn’t because I didn’t feel important enough or like I had enough worth and value to deserve any of it.
Second, I would have asked my oldest friend to be a bridesmaid, if not co-maid of honor. It is true that we had grown apart in those years between when I had started dating the Actor and when we got engaged, but she was my best friend and my longest friend. I can’t even remember why I didn’t ask her in the first place. I do remember being extremely flustered all the time with college and wedding planning being thrown together but that is hardly an excuse. And this hardly makes up for the choices I made and the person I was, but I’m sorry I was stupid, A, and if I could do it again I would do it differently.
Thirdly and finally, I would plan more and better. On my actual wedding day I realized there was still a lot that I didn’t know like how to cut the wedding cake. But as a 19 year old college student bride I guess that is to be excused.
Last night I dreamt I went to a fancy salon to get my hair trimmed for cheap. They told me I had to get it cut in an ugly back room because I wasn’t paying enough to deserve the fancy room. A woman was getting her hair done for her wedding there and seemed so happy and got to go into the fancy room, and all I could think was how I will never deserve to go into the fancy room. But that is stupid. I need to stop treating myself so poorly and realize that I deserve to be happy, and that i have worth. I loved my wedding. It was so fun and I did have everyone that mattered to me there whether or not they were in the right position. I know that it’s just a wedding, and what matters now is the marriage, but those are my thoughts on the matter.
This doesn’t really mean anything, I just wanted to blog about it. I saw an info graphic on stress and how to reduce it just a minute ago. Every thing it included I already do, with the exception of reiki … Continue reading
The question of why I want to be a personal trainer came up recently. I was kind of stumped as to what to say to that. This is something so close to my heart that it’s become more of a … Continue reading
In case anyone was wondering, I am alive. Classes started last Wednesday and by the end of the day I was utterly exhausted. I have 5 straight hours of class, followed by a 1 hour sweat-inducing workout, 45 minute break, … Continue reading
Everything was so much easier when no one knew about Ana. Not even me. It was so much nicer and I was so much happier. Living in the illusion that I was almost perfect. Everything was so much easier when I didn’t know it was ok to be a person. When I didn’t know I had worth as a human being. When I didn’t know that I deserved to be heard. I didn’t despair before because I though I was living the life that I deserved.
Dont you ever just want to end the pain? Permanently? Wouldn’t that feel so great? Not feeling anymore.
Im a college student. I have debt waiting for me. But nothing else. No future. No career. I can ring up fast food. That’s all I’m good at. No matter where I apply I never even get an interview. And it was so much easier when I thought that was the way it was supposed to be.
Yes, I am asking for help. Because I am alone and I am scared and I don’t know what else to do. I turn 21 on Thursday. But I don’t know if I want to. Maybe this is a cry for attention but is that so wrong?
I have been in recovery for almost five years but there are still times when I look back on my disordered time and wonder why I chose recovery. I’m not gonna lie and say that every day I am thankful that I recovered. I’m not gonna lie and say that it’s been fun. I’m not gonna lie and say that it’s been easy. It hasn’t been. Not one bit.
I used my disorder to hide my anxiety and my depression. With it I was able to go out into the world and act like everything was ok. I was able to put on a smile and talk with my friends. The only negative emotions they thought I had were the ones toward the divorce my parents were going through. I was able to hang out with friends without being petrified to do so. I was able to go on dates with the Actor and have fun. Believe it or not but I was able to actually eat when we went out and be all right because when I went home I knew I could skip more meals and exercise more. I used my disorder to help me cope with life and my low self esteem. It was a coping mechanism and a punishment. A punishment for not being enough, for never being enough. A punishment for having wants and desires which make me selfish. A punishment for wanting love that I don’t deserve. My disorder was my best friend and my worst enemy.
I know that it wasn’t great. I remember the daily scale dance. I remember. But to be completely honest I was not obsessed completely with it until after I was diagnosed. I know that it wasn’t fun but I didn’t let Ana hover over me 24/7 until after I was diagnosed. Before that we were close friends who put me in my place when I needed it.
Recovery challenged not only her but me as well. Because facing recovery meant looking at everything that I hate about myself and trying to work through it. I have had to face everything and try to accept it or realize that that was a lie I have been telling myself for years. Maybe I do deserve love. Maybe having wants and desires and needs doesn’t make me selfish and terrible. Maybe I have some worth as a person. And that’s why I look back and think that I was better then than I am now. But I know that’s a lie too. Obviously I still have a disordered mindset. When I was in therapy this year before my therapist left I left every session realizing another thing I had been thinking about myself all my life that was possibly not true. I didn’t have anxiety like I do now when I had my disorder. I really did trade one for the other. Because my disorder was hiding the anxiety; it was keeping it in check, whether or not that was healthy.
I am still eating. I think that at this point in my recovery I’m not in a place where I’ll start to starve myself again. It is true that there are times when I forget to eat, or get so wrapped up a project or TV show that I feel hungry but don’t want to move because I don’t want to break my attention, not because I genuinely don’t want to eat. I know I can probably never go back to my old ways, whether I want to or not, because I know too much now and I respect my body more now than I did then. So this struggle is purely internal.
It’s kind of odd for me to think of what I did this summer because my official vacation has consisted of Disneyland, glasses, and an impromptu 6 hours working at the first home game of the season for my uni. I took classes this summer which makes it seem odd to think about about what I did on “break” since I haven’t actually been on “break” for very long. 3 weeks. I guess that’s a good amount of time. Yep, I’ve got 1 week left before I return to work and class. I got called Friday to come in to work on Saturday working concessions for the football game. We won, and I got heat rash, but it wasn’t too bad. Here is what I have been up to this summer other than working, summer classes, and Disneyland:
I started watching The Legend of Korra after finishing Avatar: The Last Airbender in the middle of Spring Quarter. Season 3 of Korra came out this summer, so I watched it and then started rewatching ATLA again. I’ll finish ATLA just in time for Season 4 of Korra which is coming out in October. I remember being really impressed with ATLA when it first started way back when, and Korra is just as good. It is missing a little bit of the character development we got in ATLA, but I am still really enjoying it. I’m super excited for Season 4!
Season 7 Part 1 ended earlier this year, and the Actor and I just recently started re-watching through it from the beginning. I am going to be sad when it is over, but I really enjoy this show. We watched through it last summer. It’s a good show to binge watch, but we average about 3 episodes a night.
Hulu started releasing 2 episodes of the classic Sailor Moon every Monday. I watched it growing up when they released it in the US in English, but now that they’re re-releasing it and in the original Japanese and I now know Japanese well enough to watch things (it’s also subtitled, but I can ignore those most of the time) I have been watching it. I can’t stand dubs. Sailor Moon Crystal came out this summer. 1 episode every 1st and 3rd Saturday of the month. I love it. They did a great job and I love the animation. It’s just another part of my childhood I’m enjoying going over and seeing in a new light.
Last Saturday I went to the Puyallup Fair with the Actor and his family. They have some cool exhibits and then a giant showroom filled with booths of things you see in late night TV ads and some other well-known products, but the only stand that we were interested in was the large Japanese anime stand. The Actor, his brother, and I all went to look. I finally got to buy something I’ve been wanting for a while, and for cheaper than I can find online, and my brother-in-law bought this cute little creature from the anime above: Puella Magi Madoka Magica. I had him send me the link to it, and then I found it on Netflix where I don’t have to watch it with commercials. It is really, really good, and only 12 episodes. I guess it’s because it’s a different culture, but all the Japanese animes I have seen may seem silly on the outside, but end up addressing something really deep and human. Love, emotions, humanity, loyalty, etc. They lose that in the English dubs which is another reason why I can’t stand them. I was close to bawling in the last few episodes of this anime. I really recommend it.
I picked up the first in this series from the bookstore-thing they have in airports last August while sending my brother off to our grandparents in Montana while our mom was in the hospital. It was called Ink by Amanda Sun and I loved it. I then proceeded to be angry with myself for getting into a series that was not yet completed. The second book here, Rain, came out in June. The third, and hopefully final because I don’t know how much more my heart can take, installment comes out next year.
I decided to read Sense and Sensibility this summer and it took me a while. I’ve spent too much time reading modern things, so pushing through a very old style of writing was hard. I watched the movie of it they have on Netflix after I’d finished, which was at the end of August. Took me probably a month. I don’t know. My feminist sensibilities isn’t huge on the idea of only having the prospect of a husband to look forward to, but I still enjoyed it.
I saw some movies this summer. 22 Jumpstreet, Neighbors, The Giver, but these are the two I recommend. The first I only just saw. Magic in the Moonlight is Woody Allen’s latest. It was no Midnight in Paris but it was still really good and I really enjoyed. Maybe it’s because I have an infatuation with the idea of the 1920s, or Emma Stone, but it was good. For a film buff, it was fairly predictable, but I can do that with pretty much every movie so this wasn’t anything new.
If you haven’t seen Guardians of the Galaxy yet get yourself to a theater now! I didn’t think it would be good. When I first saw the trailer I was not impressed, but I laughed so much and had so much fun with this movie. I am seriously starting to really get into all the Marvel stuff. I haven’t seen any of Thor’s movies yet, but hopefully soon.
So that has been my summer. I’ll probably spend the last week of it cleaning, getting my text books from the library (interlibrary loan. Stop buying and renting text books when you could get them for free. Worst thing that happens is you pay a $5 late fee max), watching more ATLA and Mad Men, and attempting to go to the gym. They’re remodeling and will randomly close it without notice so sometimes I show up and it’s closed. Like this weekend. No warning. Whatever… First day of Autumn is either the 22nd or 23rd of September. It’s coming up! I hope you all enjoyed summer whether you were on break or not. Mine was good except for the fire and the heat.