I still seem to have problems with perfection. And unfortunately, they sometimes, most of the time, revolve around food and body image. My therapist pointed out after we finished getting through the backstory that I definitely do have an obsession with perfection, and that’s something we’re going to work through until she leaves in August. Lately, I have noticed more of my thoughts obsessing around food and body image. I don’t really know what I want to do. I might one day compete in a bikini competition, but not yet. So what does that mean for my fitness goals? I have no idea. Most days I look in the mirror and am satisfied with my body. I am definitely stronger than I was a year ago when I started lifting seriously. I front squat 50lbs, I could probably do more but my upper body strength isn’t high enough to be able to jerk a heavier bar up onto my shoulders yet. Maybe 60… I’ll have to try on leg day this week… But, I couldn’t do that a year ago, definitely. I can deadlift 70, but again, upper body strength, which you wouldn’t think would be a problem except the barbells above 60 involve lifting to my eye level to put away, so I stick with 60lbs most days. I’m rambling.
Anyway, most days I feel okay with how I look and don’t really have much of a desire to do anything drastic to my appearance. Like, if I wake up one day and my abs are more visible that’s great, but if not, whatever. Other days, though, I really want those chiseled arms, huge quads, and of course, the coveted six-pack abs. And other days it doesn’t matter how I want my body to look, I just know that I don’t want to gain anymore fat. Despite all of the years of research I’ve done on nutrition, I sometimes can’t get past the ways I used to think. We had a very tasty and calorie dense breakfast today for Easter, and I’ve had part of a chocolate bunny and one chocolate egg.
And I feel guilty about it. Dinner is going to be not the healthiest, which I don’t have much control over because we’re due for grocery shopping, but have to limit it to once a week and a certain budget. So, I’m sitting here, hungry, because I don’t want to eat more calories than I allow myself even though I’m sitting over here telling other people not to worry about what they eat. I’m such a hypocrite. And this all relates to my perfection obsession because I still equate certain numbers with being “perfect” and maybe I won’t even go over my allotted calories for the day, but I’ll still feel guilty for what I ate because they didn’t consist of pure vegetables and had sugar in them.
I can feel myself getting hungrier, but the Actor doesn’t get off until 7. I’m probably gonna cave and then feel bad again. I need to take my own advice and just realize that today is a holiday and I don’t eat chocolate bunnies all the time. Let’s hope I can get that through my head soon. I’m probably gonna go snack now , and I’ll try my best not to feel bad about it since I haven’t actually eaten since breakfast at 8 and it’s 5 now.