I have moved

I’m not back, I’m just posting this because for some reason this blog is getting a lot of views now that I’ve stopped blogging on it. If you like what you see then go over to my new website/blog bodybyaja.com and subscribe! I stopped using this blog back in, I think October, and have been blogging over there ever since. See you there!

-Aja

Moving

I started this blog as my writing and recovery blog, but since then I have evolved into a different person. I still write but my daily struggle with recovery is just about over. I’ll probably always have some problems, but that’s okay. So it’s time to put this blog on the shelf. Maybe one day I’ll come back to it, but it’s unlikely. I am now blogging over at my new personal/fitness blog: bodybyaja.com and I have a movie blog at chocolatedippedrama.wordpress.com. You can find me there from now on. Also follow me on tumblr: fit-live-laugh.tumblr.com and on twitter and instagram: ajamontana. Thank you all so much for reading and supporting me through my recovery. Of course my inbox at writeandrecover@hotmail.com will always be open, as will my inbox at my new email ajalippman@bodybyaja.com will be, and on tumblr. ^.^

Taking a Break

I’ve been thinking about this for several months now, and I think it just needs to happen. I started this blog with the intention of it being a writing blog, then a recovery blog and now I hardly do either. I barely remember to post, and I can never think of anything interesting when I do. I do still plan on writing in the sense of writing scripts since I am a screenwriting major, but other things have become more important than blogging here now. I am being more involved on campus and with friends, and I only have 1 year left here. I will be posting on my tumblr account: fit-live-laugh with pictures and other updates. Both my Instagram and Twitter are linked here on the blog, both under the username ajamontana if you want to follow me there. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever return to this blog, but it will stay up for archiving and sentimental reasons no matter what. I also have a fitness website/blog that I do occasionally blog over at: bodybyaja.com so you can check my blog out there, too.

This blog helped me through some really tough times, and I’d like to thank everyone that commented and I got to know over the last 4 years that I have had this blog. It’s just time to move on.

Wedding Dreams

Over the past few months I have come to learn and understand more about myself. I look back on who I was before and realize that I was living in a fog that was created by my depression, anxiety, eating disorder, and incredibly low self worth. So it has lately come to my attention some things I would have done differently, specifically about my wedding, had I realized all I have learned back then.

First, I would have put more into my own appearance. I knew nothing about makeup and I did it myself but know much more know. I would have gone somewhere to get it done and be pampered because when else do we get to be so vain and put an extreme amount into our physical appearance? I would have also not looked for the cheapest wedding dress that I liked. I would have picked the fancier once that cost a little more. I do like mine but I know that I picked it more because it was cheap than actually loving it. My mom said she would pay for my wedding attire so I went as cheap as I could to save her the money. But it was my wedding. You (hopefully) only get one and there is so much that I had wanted to do that I didn’t because I didn’t feel important enough or like I had enough worth and value to deserve any of it.

Second, I would have asked my oldest friend to be a bridesmaid, if not co-maid of honor. It is true that we had grown apart in those years between when I had started dating the Actor and when we got engaged, but she was my best friend and my longest friend. I can’t even remember why I didn’t ask her in the first place. I do remember being extremely flustered all the time with college and wedding planning being thrown together but that is hardly an excuse. And this hardly makes up for the choices I made and the person I was, but I’m sorry I was stupid, A, and if I could do it again I would do it differently.

Thirdly and finally, I would plan more and better. On my actual wedding day I realized there was still a lot that I didn’t know like how to cut the wedding cake. But as a 19 year old college student bride I guess that is to be excused.

Last night I dreamt I went to a fancy salon to get my hair trimmed for cheap. They told me I had to get it cut in an ugly back room because I wasn’t paying enough to deserve the fancy room. A woman was getting her hair done for her wedding there and seemed so happy and got to go into the fancy room, and all I could think was how I will never deserve to go into the fancy room. But that is stupid. I need to stop treating myself so poorly and realize that I deserve to be happy, and that i have worth. I loved my wedding. It was so fun and I did have everyone that mattered to me there whether or not they were in the right position. I know that it’s just a wedding, and what matters now is the marriage, but those are my thoughts on the matter.

Close to rock bottom

Everything was so much easier when no one knew about Ana. Not even me. It was so much nicer and I was so much happier. Living in the illusion that I was almost perfect. Everything was so much easier when I didn’t know it was ok to be a person. When I didn’t know I had worth as a human being. When I didn’t know that I deserved to be heard. I didn’t despair before because I though I was living the life that I deserved.

Dont you ever just want to end the pain? Permanently? Wouldn’t that feel so great? Not feeling anymore.

Im a college student. I have debt waiting for me. But nothing else. No future. No career. I can ring up fast food. That’s all I’m good at. No matter where I apply I never even get an interview. And it was so much easier when I thought that was the way it was supposed to be.

Yes, I am asking for help. Because I am alone and I am scared and I don’t know what else to do. I turn 21 on Thursday. But I don’t know if I want to. Maybe this is a cry for attention but is that so wrong?

Rose Colored Glasses

I have been in recovery for almost five years but there are still times when I look back on my disordered time and wonder why I chose recovery. I’m not gonna lie and say that every day I am thankful that I recovered. I’m not gonna lie and say that it’s been fun. I’m not gonna lie and say that it’s been easy. It hasn’t been. Not one bit.

I used my disorder to hide my anxiety and my depression. With it I was able to go out into the world and act like everything was ok. I was able to put on a smile and talk with my friends. The only negative emotions they thought I had were the ones toward the divorce my parents were going through. I was able to hang out with friends without being petrified to do so. I was able to go on dates with the Actor and have fun. Believe it or not but I was able to actually eat when we went out and be all right because when I went home I knew I could skip more meals and exercise more. I used my disorder to help me cope with life and my low self esteem. It was a coping mechanism and a punishment. A punishment for not being enough, for never being enough. A punishment for having wants and desires which make me selfish. A punishment for wanting love that I don’t deserve. My disorder was my best friend and my worst enemy.

I know that it wasn’t great. I remember the daily scale dance. I remember. But to be completely honest I was not obsessed completely with it until after I was diagnosed. I know that it wasn’t fun but I didn’t let Ana hover over me 24/7 until after I was diagnosed. Before that we were close friends who put me in my place when I needed it.

Recovery challenged not only her but me as well. Because facing recovery meant looking at everything that I hate about myself and trying to work through it. I have had to face everything and try to accept it or realize that that was a lie I have been telling myself for years. Maybe I do deserve love. Maybe having wants and desires and needs doesn’t make me selfish and terrible. Maybe I have some worth as a person. And that’s why I look back and think that I was better then than I am now. But I know that’s a lie too. Obviously I still have a disordered mindset. When I was in therapy this year before my therapist left I left every session realizing another thing I had been thinking about myself all my life that was possibly not true. I didn’t have anxiety like I do now when I had my disorder. I really did trade one for the other. Because my disorder was hiding the anxiety; it was keeping it in check, whether or not that was healthy.

I am still eating. I think that at this point in my recovery I’m not in a place where I’ll start to starve myself again. It is true that there are times when I forget to eat, or get so wrapped up a project or TV show that I feel hungry but don’t want to move because I don’t want to break my attention, not because I genuinely don’t want to eat. I know I can probably never go back to my old ways, whether I want to or not, because I know too much now and I respect my body more now than I did then. So this struggle is purely internal.